I Wonder if You Would Like Trains.. A Letter to my Angel Baby

Here's where I post a trigger warning, this post includes pregnancy loss.Four years ago, I found out that I was pregnant with my third baby. I was excited, stressed, and planning just like any pregnant mama would be. Less than a week later I was in the ER with bleeding and being told "sometimes these things happen" and begging the doctors to find a heartbeat.In the four years since, I've gotten divorced, gotten married, had two more children, become a stay at home mom, and experienced many other crazy changes to my life.But every single day I think about that baby. Every single June I think back to how excited I was and how heartbroken and helpless I felt. Every Feburary as I celebrate Mr. C's birthday, I wonder what day this angel baby would have been born, and I wonder what they would be like at each birthday they'd have.I wonder many things about this baby I never got to hold.

I Wonder if You Would Like Trains..

You would have been my third baby, and I will always wonder if you were a boy or girl. I have heard it's helpful to name babies we never got to meet, but I don't know how to name you. Would you be more of a Taylor or a Jamie?I wonder if you would have been active at night like your siblings were, or if maybe you would have preferred to kick around in my belly in the early morning. I wonder if you would have come early, or if you would have been stubborn and stayed in my belly as long as you could.I wonder if you would like trains, or if you'd prefer dinosaurs or ballerinas.I wonder if you'd like the silly songs that I'd make up to sing to you.I wonder what it would sound like to hear you sing with me.I wonder if you'd like to snuggle like your brothers, or if you'd prefer your independence like your baby sister.I wonder if you would be autistic like A-Man, or gifted like Mr. C, or developmentally delayed like Baby M, or neurotypical like Miss S. Or maybe you'd be a whole other thing that I haven't had experience with yet.Maybe you would love it when we read Dr. Seuss, and maybe you'd giggle when I told you about reading it when I was a little kid.I wonder if you'd prefer mama or mommy.I wonder if you would make friends easily or if you'd be shy. I wonder what types of crazy quotes you'd come up with that I would put on Facebook to remember forever.I wonder if you'd have brown eyes or blue. I wonder if you'd have light hair or dark. I wonder what age you'd start losing your toddler chubbiness and start looking like a big kid.I wonder if you'd love to read like I do, and I wonder what books we'd read together.I wonder what late night talks we would have, and I wonder about who your first love would be. I wonder if you'd like hot cocoa or tea, and I wonder what it would be like to share those special moments with you.I wonder what you'd be like as a teenager and what clubs you would join. Would you be a choir nerd, or more of a band geek? Maybe a football player.I wonder if you would go to prom, and what it would be like to take pictures before the big dance. I wonder if I would embarrass you by crying, but really I know that I would embarrass you by crying.I wonder if you'd grow up to be a writer like me. I wonder if somehow somewhere you're reading this letter. I wonder if you're sad that I haven't come up with a name.I wonder if you are dancing. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you. I wonder if you know I still cry for you.I wonder if you know that you'll always be my third baby. I wonder if you know I won't ever forget. I wonder if you watch for over your siblings. I wonder if there's a reason I never got to hold you.I wonder if you would like trains.